Dialogue with Dying

I am so sick, and getting sicker. Sleeping eighteen-twenty hours a day, getting up to nibble on a cracker, slipping my muumuu over my naked body, dressed to see the doctor.

“You have allergies,” says the Doctor Shane, a new doctor who has joined my old Doctor Sharkis’ practice. “Everyone has them,” Doctor Shane says. “I have them, too. This has been a horrendous allergy season. Wait two weeks and you’ll be better.” He shakes my hand, smiles and opens the examining room door.

I am home, back to bed.

I feel worse and worse.

I am dying, I think.  I am dying.

I am not afraid, angry, or dismayed. There is no one I want to see or talk to, nothing I want to do, nothing I want to finish. Nothing I want to touch, not even my dogs, who are stretched out on the bed next to me.

I am dying and that’s okay. Dying, I think, would be just more sleep, and I do like to sleep.

I sleep some more.

Cremation, I think. I’ll be cremated. That decision had alluded me until now. A body? Ashes-to-ashes.           

For two weeks I sleep.

I have no physical, psychological or emotional pain.

Sleep, I think, sleep. I like to sleep. When I am dead, I will be asleep. I won’t miss anyone or anything just as I don’t miss anyone or anything now. I am sorry that others will miss me but I will be asleep and won’t know that.

I am not fearful, angry, or fretful. I am at ease in a way I have never been before.

My spirit will continue. Energy never dies, just transforms.  I’ve been a good spirit in this body and so my guess is my spirit-energy will continue for good.

One thought on “Dialogue with Dying

  1. Dear Laurel,
    Your instructions to ‘write myself into understanding’ have been a constant guide since starting my doctorate in 2001 and I will be ever grateful for your advice.
    Your work has resonated so strongly and I have loved all of it – in my academic life…and just in life generally! I am looking forward to reading ‘Lone Twin’ when it arrives.
    My mother is in her early eighties and your observations on life and ageing are absolutely accurate. The creeping arrival of frailty in one once so strong is surprising and distressing.
    You have indeed been a good and generous spirit and you have shared so profoundly with so many.
    I am reminded of your concept of crystallisation…and what we see depending on our angle of repose. I am glad you are at ease.
    Thank you for all your beautiful words and the powerful insights they contain. What an amazing contribution you have made to this world. I hope you will feel better soon and will write again. I am so glad you started this blog.
    With love, gratitude and all good wishes,

    Liked by 1 person

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